Blessed

It has been a month since my birthday and I was recalling how I was finishing up a last minute assignment the night before. I had a long day at university and I rushed home to get on with my assignment. I finished it up at 11:45 and was ready to pass out on bed. I am glad I called before I did but I am quite sure even if I hadn’t, you would have called at midnight. Because you had remembered it was my birthday when I had forgotten.

I was sleepy azz and wished you good night but you wouldn’t let me hang up. You kept talking when all I could respond with was hmmm and yeah. You pleaded to stay awake for 4 more minutes which confused my already sleep-deprived brain. Normally you put me to sleep but not that night. When I asked why, you blabbered with what you had been up to the whole day and when 4 minutes had passed, you suddenly wished happy birthday which woke me nice and proper. Well, also the fact that my phone pinged with notification at the same time, opened my shut eyes and when I rubbed my eyes to respond to you and my phone, I realised that you had sent me a poem. A heartfelt, beautiful and thoughtful poem that not only had you carved from your own thinking, but you had written so elegantly and beautifully. All this was too much for me to handle. The rush of emotions that came from within resulted in tears of happiness and I started weeping in joy. For I felt truly special. And cherished. And although you are miles away, I felt as if you were right next to me. How I wish you were, so you could see my giddy smile and excited heart. For even though, we both have grown old to celebrate birthdays, the gesture made me feel like a child again.

And this is why I say alhumdulillah, I am so lucky to have you.

Free Bird

She was staring at the ceiling, her mind whirling in a chaotic mess. With blank stares, she felt the tears sliding across her smooth cheeks. Suddenly the door creaked open. Her mum peeked in and whispered if she would like to go somewhere. She said she was fine and turned to the other side. Her mum walked in and patted her head lovingly. Asked her to get ready for a surprise.

She got up and got ready, her mind and heart wandering far away in the unknown. She climbed in the car and stared at the scenery but her mind didn’t process the usual beauty of nature : the dew that formed on the grass, the sky sporting wisps of white clouds and the air that came in bursts. After a while the car stopped and as she turned to look at the destination, her mouth dropped in surprise.

While her friends would rejoice at getting some retail therapy to alleviate stress, she felt nature in its glory was the perfect me time.

She asked her mum if she could be left alone. Her mum agreed and so she scampered quickly to the sand. She kicked off her shoes and let her toes sense the sinking dissolving sand. She bent down to stare at the shells. Marvelling at the intricate designs, she started collecting and placing them on the sand, pushing some deep within so that just a bit peeked through.

There were quite a few fair and white shells, polished and shining. Then there were tiny brown and black ones with markings that seemed to be shying away, hiding in the sand. Perhaps they were afraid that this visitor would reject them like the countless others in favour for the beautiful white ones. She scooped them up lovingly because for her, those markings, those scars made the brown and black shells even prettier. She played with them for a little while and then stood up to observe the water, the sky and the sea. The clouds of mist had vanished long ago and in their place were angry black clouds.Mimicking the state of her mind,they blocked the sun, its light and warmth and as she stood and gazed at the approaching storm, the clouds suddenly gave way and the sun shone through. It became so bright, the reflection of the pure warmth and grandeur of sunlight on water, that she couldn’t take it in. Momentarily blinded by beauty so rare, she was awestruck and speechless. The more she stared, the more it felt the sunlight was rushing through the water and entering in her. Filling her with warmth, inner joy, happiness and peace. The chaos that was her mind, was muffled by the harmonic wavelength of the sunlight.

She heard a kid’s cry and turned to see a little child stumble from a swing. As he got up and ran towards his mum, she ran towards the swing in glee. Picking up her shoes, she climbed onto the swing and started rocking back and forth to gain momentum. Once she felt she was flying, she closed her eyes to feel the breeze passing through her soul. Her mind felt a thousand times lighter. Her body too. She felt she could fly. And fly she did. She jumped from the swing, flung her body in the air and broke into a wide smile. Hurtled down to Earth in a millisecond. But that millisecond was enough for her. She felt euphoric. She looked up and saw a seagull flying high. It kept flying. The gravity wasn’t its enemy.

As she clambered back into the car, she gave a wide smile to her mum. Mum always knew best. The return journey was different. It had started raining and she opened the window a wee bit to feel the drops on her face. It felt as if God was giving her the whole invigoration package. Not only was she rejuvenated on the inside, but the raindrops freshened her up instantly as well.

She came back home and plonked on her bed with a sigh. A while later, she was fast asleep with a content smile.This time the ceiling stared at her.

Images by yours truly 🙂

ME

I thought it would take time

To let go

I thought it would take a while

For you to leave me alone

Those daydreams and

Wishes on stars

Seems forgotten

Promises broken

You promised you would

never hurt me

You promised you would

look out for me

Why do I feel

so lonely and alone

Why do I feel

I have no one at home

They say it takes time

time to heal

Band aids never

do come out easy

Then why does it

hurt still

Why do I

miss you still

I have moved on

made myself busy

But sometimes

something triggers the memory

I walk past that shop

where we tried out costumes

laughed like idiots

howled at the moon

I listen to that song

that we played on repeat

danced on the beds

sang to karaoke

We used to lay down

beneath the open sky

Talk about the future

never knew you would fly

Now I avoid

that shop, those songs

But tell me how do I avoid you

when the heartless stars

follow me along

They tell me to forget you

Its been a long while

Band aid long gone

The wound is still inside

You said you never lie

you said you would never leave

you lied when you left

why did you leave

Long drives

on curvy roads

Windows open

trying to unload

Creating new memories

Meeting new ones

Trying out stuff

Even going on a run

You said you wouldn’t leave me

You are right you never did

I see you everywhere I look

Your presence I am trying to get rid

“Quit it!!” I say

Leave me alone

You say you made a promise

You can’t see me forlorn

Leave me leave me please

Let me move on let me be

No come back I beg of you

I need to hold on I need to see

I need to mourn

I need you

need you

please

don’t go

don’t ever

let go

Lost

alone

Wild in pain

helpless

hopeless

feeling insane

********

I cry in silence

They mock me otherwise

They need to understand

Screaming out loud helps pain subside

So I stand in the balcony

Gazing at the stars

Gazing at memories

Gazing at the scars

Coz even though you ripped me

like a band aid

I can’t howl like they do

They label me with shame

Maybe

screaming will scare you away

Maybe

you might run away

So I shall be quiet

utterly still

Wait for the angel

await the drill

I know you shall be waiting

at the gates of heaven

Renew the memories

Let the games begin.

Procrastination Preparation

Yesterday was my last day of Bachelors at my university. During these 3 years there wasn’t a single moment when I didn’t wish to finish and get out of here as soon as possible but yesterday while I walked through the university, through the cafeteria, I remembered how I would sit there with friends to eat and chat after finishing long laboratory classes. When I entered the lecture hall, I remembered my first day at university, how timid and shy I was, how the lecture hall seemed huge then. University had become my second home and yesterday was filled with bittersweet memories. It was as if I was at a standstill and every place was rewinding and showcasing the memories my friends and I had etched  The library, how my friends and I used to hunch over the computers to finish last minute assignments, one of us running to the printers, another one typing, another one shouting “Only half an hour left guys!!Hurry hurry hurry!!” This year I was mostly by myself because some of my friends had married and settled and some had graduated or were majoring in different streams and had different classes. It gave me heaps of time to be myself, to explore each and every aspect of university and city life, to be nostalgic and to reflect. And even though, these 3 years all I complained about was the hectic assignments and assessments that my lecturers had bombarded upon us students, I am grateful for the opportunity. In fact yesterday I wished I had the opportunity to rewind my university life and enjoy and relive each and every moment. But it’s time to move on. (That is my graduation speech that I shall be giving at my graduation this December btw. Naah just kidding :P) I have exams next month. So I better stop reminiscing and start hitting the books. Good Luck to all appearing for the exams!!

Exams are just a month away

I should start preparing she said.

I shall print out lecture notes to revise

So much information to be fed.

She heads to the library

Prints out all the lecture notes

She knows she will ace this exam

Her head in the cloud it floats.

She is revising and rereading

She is busy highlighting

She is in full exam mode

When all of a sudden her phone rings.

Her friend has texted her

To check out how many likes she has gotten

Hours later she is still on phone

Her notes conveniently forgotten.

She feels sleepy now,

her brain is shutting down

She feels guilty for procrastinating

She is sporting a pouty frown.

I shall do it tomorrow she says

Still got plenty of time

I won’t get distracted tomorrow

I won’t waste my time.

A day before the exam her mum

Enters her room

Finds her youtubing

On how to get to Khartoum.

“What’s all this nonsense

You should be studying instead

I shall take away the gadgets

So you only study” she said.

Its too late to study mum

I thought I had time

I put off studying to last minute

Never managed to revise

Tickets and graves are cheap

Apparently in Khartoum

When I fail my exams

That’s where I shall build my tomb.

With a sigh mum replied

My darling, don’t you worry

With the way you are studying

You will indeed get buried.

A flying slipper on your head

And slaps is what you shall receive

Dad too busy digging grave

Too busy to even grieve.

Let that be a lesson

To never procrastinate

Failing in exams

Is a shameful disgrace.

I shall stop this poem now

Even though it’s so fun

I should start preparing for exams now

Even though its next month.

My friend is texting me

Probably to check her likes

But I am a good girl

I won’t waste my time.

Wish me good luck

Wish me sincerely

Pray I get good grades

And make my family happy.

And if all else fails

And brilliant results I don’t produce

At least my poetry shows

I can become the next Dr. Seuss.

Weathering the Storm

At around the time I wrote this, I came across Jade’s post on True Strength and heartaches’s post The Journey and I won’t lie, it spooked me a bit because we all wrote on the same topic, same feelings, at the same time. The strongest people are those who smile with scars, those that are battling with their inner demons. They go through anguish and still don’t complain. This poem is for those of you who have weathered the storm but are still holding on to hope, for those fighting the war.And even though life amputates each and every brimming hope and hurls anguish and anxiety, they still laugh or at least pretend to. They know that good times lie ahead over the horizon. They are brave. They are courageous. This is for you.

Her heart aches with memories

Of how it used to be

Things will never go back

To the way it used to be.

There is anguish

There is pain

Too much to process

Events that drive her insane.

She is not herself no more,

She never will be

Used to be young and naive

And now she is a tormented lady.

They say that it’s the past that plagues you,

For her it’s the present that traumatizes her

No matter where she goes,

Hurtful words keep hitting her.

She tries to erase those moments

She tries to restart it all

But they still ridicule her

They still catcall.

Betrayal, lost loyalty

Loved ones turning against her

Her whole world turned upside down

Trustworthy people got even fewer and fewer.

She feels she is the standard

With whom they compare

The others are always a step ahead

The others require greater care.

The others are always better

No matter what they do

Doesn’t matter if they are clumsy

They still much better than any of you.

She wants to escape it all

She wishes she was blind

She wishes she never grew up

She wishes they would leave her behind.

She fears she is going into depression

She fears they will drive her mental

She wishes she could care less

But all efforts prove detrimental.

So now she pretends

She is the best faker

She pretends it’s all right

She is so good at it, they all believe her.

They still don’t leave her alone

They still degrade her

Worst of all is that they don’t realise

That they are hurting her.

So they keep punishing her

For no fault of her own

They keep hating on her

They treat her like she is disowned.

They say she is too sensitive

That little words hurt her easy

They throw passing words that punch her in the gut

She cries alone at night, her sight gets hazy.

Her mum had warned her

Of strangers outside

But mum never warned her

That loved ones could lie.

The most dearest to you

Can become your enemies

They can use your secrets and flaws

And plan their next strategies.

So now she keeps mum

She stays aloof

They call her out for that as well

Her new nickname is rude.

It’s not like she didn’t try

Even tried being extra nice

No use at all

They were still stony iced.

It’s a lost cause

Her words always get misconstrued

She doesn’t know what else to do

She is only 22.

At only 22

She is tired and weary

She has lost all hope

Her life seems dreary.

She doesn’t trust anyone anymore

She is wary of strangers

But she is even more cautious

Of people who claim they are hers.

Because the greatest lesson

That life could teach her

Was that people who she never could imagine

Could one day turn against her.

They are liars

They only tell lies

They are hypocrites

Their words disguised.

She is strong

She stands tall

But once in a while

She breaks down and bawls.

Because her heart aches of memories

Of how much fun it used to be

And she hates to admit it

But things will never go back to how it used to be.