Ra-MAD-aners

Ramadan Kareem y’all!! It’s mid-Ramadan now and although Ramadan is said to be the month of quran and patience, I am having a real hard time keeping my patience.Nope, its not coz of the hunger pangs. Its coz of certain people.

  1. The Snapchatter : This is the person that literally snaps each and every moment of Ramadan from suhoor to iftaar to taraweeh to “feeling blessed and holy”. We all know you be stuffing pakoras everyday for iftaar mate. And we all know you attend the 20 rakah taraweeh instead of the 8 rakah that mere mortals go to.
  2. The Instagrammer : This person posts iftaar pics everyday like literally everyday. Its the same iftaar with same pakoras and same samosas and same roohafza drink and the same caption of yummmmm and the same hashtags. The only difference is the seating positions on the table.
  3. The Temporary Haram Police : This person is typically the one who smokes shisha during the non-Ramadan period but as soon as the Ramadan moon is sighted, he is seen distributing dates and Noman Ali Khan lectures CDs outside the masjid. Another distinguishing characteristic is the replacement of swear language with masha Allahs  and subhan Allahs. because-ramadan_o_1819477
  4. Moon Fighters : Australia might be dubbed the city of beaches and sunshine but there ain’t no sun shining at us folks here in Melbourne. Hence, the Board of Imams seek the scientific calculations of astronomers on the likelihood of the appearance of crescent moon. The Hilal Committee on the other hand try to physically sight the hilal through telescopes. Obviously there is always a contest since never the twain meet. Every year, the moon fighters (or loony moonies a.k.a people who follow the Hilal Committee) will debate with the astronomical – culators (people who follow the Board of Imams) on the correct ruling and which day the “actual” Eid actually is? The reason I find these conversations annoying is because they happen literally every year like they DO NOT learn their lesson. Its like someone presses the repeat button. Last year we were the moon fighters, this year we decided to go with the astronomical-culators, since people keep sprouting myriad hadeeth citations.
  5. The Cute Monsters : At the start of the taraweeh, these are the tiny toddlers who are lying on the masjid carpet,looking innocently at you, making it harder for you to focus on the quran that the imam is praying because you get so lost in those big baby boo eyes of theirs. Four rakahs in and its even more harder for you to concentrate because the imam’s voice is lost in the wailing and screaming of that same baby who was innocent a few moments ago. While the mum of the baby concerned should be concerned, she clearly isn’t as she is seen humming along to the tune of the imam. Meanwhile us other ladies are trying to calm the baby down during prayer by showering angry faces for it to stop which only results in the wails getting louder like seriously baby SHOOOOSH!!! And as soon as we finish our prayer by doing the tahiyyat and shaking heads right and left by assalamualaikum wa rahmatullah, the baby is as quiet as an unplugged vaccum cleaner. You stare at the baby and ask what the hell baby and it just hypnotizes you with its eyes by saying that aint me, nuh-uh!
  6. The Mums of Cute Monsters : Sisters, please for the love of Allah, I am not going to sugar coat or humorify this paragraph because wallahi that baby of yours, masha Allah and subhan Allah so so cute but during taraweeh are all tauba tauba and astaghfirullah. Sisters, I wish I could quote the hadeeth now but I am too lazy to go research it, but I do know for a fact that you get the same amount of ajr and sawaab and rewards if you prayed at home then if you came to the masjid. Allah allows this because masha Allah you are making effort and coming to mosque, changing the clothes of your baby and yourself and praying among the din din of your baby noise but sister, pray at home so the only person suffering is just you and not us.  We wish the enjoy to imam’s qiraat and the quran recitation and the not having cute but annoying babies phase. Jazakallahu khairan.
  7. The Annoying Azz Toddlers : It is mentioned in a hadeeth that during the holy month of Ramadan, the shaytaan (satan) is locked up for ease of the Muslims to abstain from the whisperings and evil sins. So imagine my surprise when I rocked up on the first night of taraweeh and saw mini devils running around the mosque. Those cute monsters mentioned above are not alone, oh no, they have older baby brothers and sisters, who have spawned into halal shayateen. The characteristics of these munchkins is that they will either be running around the legs of the taraweehers or crying for an iPad or iPhone that one out of the 15 have. They will come and grab your water bottle from your purse and chug it down with their saliva splatters on the rim of your drink or take a shower with it, or take your iPhone and try unlocking it so many times that the next time you can unlock it is in 367 years. All this right in front of your eyes and you helplessly watch them unable to do anything because a) you are in prayer and b) their mum is nearby so you can’t thwack them. Sometimes they grab the chairs off those who pray with them resulting in a couple of ladies falling while seating for sujood which is horrifying really.
  8. The Mums of Annoying Azz Toddlers : Sisters, please don’t create these munchkins. Just kidding, they make taraweeh fun. But seriously, teach them etiquette of the mosque especially to not play with chairs of those who pray with them.  It can seriously injure the ladies. Aand again, pray at home. PLEEEEASE!! I get very thirsty because your Abdullah drank all my water. Waaaaaah!!!
  9. Huffaz : When the imam is praying quran taraweeh and you are a hafiz yourself, it is tempting to read along with him. I totally understand. I am a hafiz myself. And I do read along. Just not aloud. I neither whisper, nor hum, nor mutter, nor mumble. I neither read the faa nor the seen or the sheen aloud. Infact my lips are closed as I pray along in my mind. Why am I quoting what I do? Its because other taraweehers, including myself find it irksome to hear someone two rows behind going haaaaaaa aloud when the imam recites haa meem. We get it masha Allah, you are a hafiz. May Allah grant you jannah. But sister, Allah knows what is in your heart. Pray in your heart and Allah will reward you. You can even dance a bit on your spot if that’s how excited listening to imam read what you know makes you. That’s not allowed but you do you. Just do it silently. Thank you.

Writing these down has calmed me considerably. You might have witnessed these people in your mosques or maybe you are one of them lol. If you know any other kind then vent down below. Just no swearing please. Shukran.

 

Weird Things That Keep Us Awake At Night

This post is a collaboration with sulphurman. It was a long time coming considering the idea was borne a couple of months ago but as we all know, life happens and we got busy with our schedules. Nevertheless, we finally decided to finish it off and present to you guys the weird stuff that keeps one awake at night. Let me know if you have similar experiences/thoughts in the comments. I would love to know I am not the only weird one.

  • Did I brush my teeth? I am pretty sure I did. Blows air  onto hand and smells for bad breath. Hmm smells good. Wait, that’s a biryani smell. Arrgh I didn’t brush.

 

  • I have to go to the toilet but I just got so comfy and warm!!

 

  • If I sleep now, I will get exactly 3 hours 15 minutes sleep. Now only if I could fall asleep.

 

  • Did I lock the door? Hmm I should go and check. Rabia aunty was telling about this robbery that happened the other day. One can never be too careful. *flips the blanket over, icy air rushes through the bones,slips banket over* aaah never mind. Quite sure it’s locked. Dad must have locked the door. And I don’t even have any enemies to kill me right? Hmm wait, Reshma did hate me in primary school. Always snitched on me and stole my best friend Neha. But she wouldn’t rob me or try to kill me yeah? I mean she lives in Bangladesh. She wouldn’t fly all the over to Australia. She doesn’t even know where I live. I think she got married. lets stalk on instagram.I mean who on earth agreed to marry her? *grabs mobile and switches it on* Aarrghh too bright. *squints in the darkness*. 3 hours 15 minutes later. Wait, is that the sun?
  • Cousins who kick you in sleep. Constantly. Repeatedly. You find solace sleeping on the floor.
  • You are about to sleep and your phone pings with notification. You pick it up and its the phone company sending you a text message that you have exceeded data limit. And its only been a week since you started the data cycle. So now you cant sleep thinking how will you survive 3 more weeks of being 3G less.
  • You analyze and over analyze that aunty’s comment that she passed on you for being a failure.Whereas your brother became the successful doctor. The good thing is your younger bro is also a non-doctor. So you both can cry together.
  • You are planning your whole wedding in your head. The dresses, who to invite, the flower bouquets, chocolate fountains, waiters on wheels for swift service, carpeted halls in purple and cream colour,brides maid dresses, who to make your brides maids,also a silent prayer to Allah that let the groom’s mother let you decide what bridal dress you wanna wear for both baaraat and walima instead of gifting sweet and hideous dresses that isn’t your style. Parlour bookings, what type of makeup and jewellery and henna designs.
  • Also one thing that doesn’t let me sleep is temperature control. Its spring here. Sometimes it is hot at night and sometimes it is cool. Sometimes hot changes to cool and sometimes cool changes to hot. I throw off my blanket to the floor and then a while later I am curled up in fetus  position with chattering teeth. Too cold and lazy to grab blanket off floor. Other times I am wearing winter wear with sweater and socks and it starts burning. Next morning mum comes to wake me up and finds sweater thrown on chair, socks hanging on fan, me lying spread eagled soaking cool air.
  • Thirsty. Drinks a whole bottle of water by bedside. Falls asleep. Gets up 30 minutes later for toilet. Comes back to bed. Falls asleep. Few minutes pass. Thirsty again. Bottle empty. Gets up to refill water. Drinks water.Falls asleep.30 minutes later , toilet break. Cycle goes on till Fajr.

You get the idea.

Go check out sulphurman’s post for the second part. Show him the love by following and reading his humorous and not so haha funny posts.

Thank you Mahaah for asking us to collaborate. I had fun coming up with points that didn’t allow me to sleep while writing the post. Go check out her blog too. She clicks awesomesauce photos, draws and paints awesomesauce pictures and writes awesomesauce stuff.

 

 

Ssshhh

Sneaking in ever so quietly…..

SuniSneakGif

How has everyone been? I missed my internet fam. There have been sweet comments left on my blog by the absolute sweet sisters that made me melt.I shall get back to responding.

I am back. No, I didn’t get married (fortunately) as some had asked if my husband forbade me to blog. I would rather chuck the husband out than my blog. I had gone overseas and returned back to start my Masters (which is what desi girls do when they don’t get married by the end of Bachelors :P). Masters is draining the hell out of me. Classes all five days 9 to 6 with assignments and assessments. Anyway no excuse will justify my long absence. So let me just make it up by letting your Aussie girl inform you about the weird facts of good ol’ Aus you might not know.

  1. The fact that toilets and bathrooms don’t come with locks. Not all houses, some, but still. My friend bought this house and one of the toilets doesn’t come with a door!! Apparently you have to pay extra for the toilet door.
  2. People in India just drop in without calling. People in Dubai call to let you know they shall be visiting. People in Aus are soo polite that its annoyingly cute. They don’t come. At all. You have to send an invitation and ask them to come because you have started talking to walls. I bet even for my funeral, I shall have to call everyone 2 hours before my imminent death with invitations and ask them to RSVP.
  3. Day light savings.
  4. That my little cousins attend “colleges” (primary level schooling) and my brother and I attend “schools” (a.k.a universities).
  5. That there are alcohol shops next to schools, ahem I mean “colleges”. The two colleges I got to attend here, both had them so I am assuming its a norm for all (Could be wrong. So far no drunk kids spotted.)
  6. Return policy : you can return any item (except bedding,cosmetics and used nappies) as long as you have the receipt. This is the main reason why NRI’s here don’t want to go back to India lol.
  7. The water that flushes the toilet is as filtered as the water that I drink from tap (Let that sink in.)
  8. Almost all shops close by 5 p.m. Worst thing ever. One gets back from work/uni/college/school whatever by evening and the shops are closed. People here don’t sweat about it but as a Dubai mall girl I seem to find it highly unfair that the plaza is open only for housewives.
  9. The public transport system is so unreliable that one is forced to force her brothers and parents to drop her off to station so she doesn’t have to wait for 40 minutes for the bus and walk 1 kilometre to home.
  10. They make you book in for a doctor’s appointment and call you in an hour late than the scheduled time but when its the other way round and you arrive just 5 minutes late, they have to reschedule your appointment to another day because you are late and they weren’t able to torture you to the maximum one hour they are allowed to.
  11. Mcdonald’s also known as Maccas. So when a friend first asked whether I would be interested going to Maccas, I assumed Makkah and stared at her nonplussed. Refused because I hadn’t saved enough money for the pilgrimage when really she was asking whether I would like to hang out for a 4 dollar McFlurry milkshake.
  12. The slang language. Barbeque = barbie, afternoon = arvo, etc. There is a whole dictionary full of it and I could write a post just on it.
  13. Honey soy chicken chips.Like whaaaat? So its a potato chips chicken flavoured. All good yeah? But no, lets vegetify it and add soy. Make it a little bit healthy. Let the vegetarians taste the goodness of chicken. But wait, what about people with a sweet tooth? Can’t forget them now can we? Ergo honey.
  14. Vegemite. Nuff said. For those who want to have a lick at it, I have one that expired a year ago that I received when I got my citizenship and we got it from the council for becoming an Aussie. So you shout Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi (while balancing the Aussie passport on your head) and then scoop a chunk of vegemite and dunk it in. If you can’t eat that scoopful, you aint becoming an Aussie. That’s how Stralians play mate!! We keep that honey soy chicken close and vegemite even closer. (Disclaimer : Not sponsored by Vegemite or the chickens.)
  15. Australia is the only country where it is legal to eat the national animal. But I mean kangaroos!!! Why??Kangaroo-Selfie.jpg

Any Aussies reading the post : you can come at me. These are my observations and the intention wasn’t to offend/insult Australia/Australians. I love me my Aussie barbie and we can have a nice chat some arvo.We can have vegemite together too.

Examining examinees

I am back

(Cough cough. Pardon the smoke)

I have been giving examinations my whole life. From the age of 4 to 22. So even though I don’t have a technical degree in Masters of Examination, I have in fact mastered the art of cramming and vomiting. Notes not chocolates.

Last Thursday I bid farewell and resigned from the position of student. I had my final exams and it went great alhumdulillah. Thanks to all who wished me good luck.

eb

Now I have attended various examination halls throughout my prolific career. And I have observed various kinds of examinees.

  1. Diva : This is the girl that prepared more for her appearance than the exam. She has the full makeup with fake eyelashes, knee length boots and a poncho. Her hair is straightened sleek and she looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine. When other students are busy poring into the textbook, she is running around the hall looking for the perfect lighting to capture that duckface selfie. She is busy rolling her eyes at students who are crazy for checking out their books than her. No point avoiding coz she is already avoiding you.
  2. The anti-diva : This is the guy that probably hasn’t showered ever since the examination month has started. He looks homeless with clothes crumpled, few flies buzzing around his head, a scruffy beard with few lice running on it and a stench that kills everyone except the flies and the lice. He is the guy you go and stand next to if you haven’t prepared for the exam as it wouldn’t technically be a suicide on your part or murder on his. He hasn’t been studying either as he is seen running around people asking if they could lend him notes on Biochemistry. He probably spends time in his dungeon playing Halo or World of Warcraft and attends examinations to get some fresh air and sunlight. Avoid him and thou shalt live.
  3. The nerd : This girl knows anything and everything and sole purpose of her life is to make sure you are sufficiently stocked up on stress by asking whether you have studied for Chapter 15 on Lipids and Fats that the lecturer had hinted wouldn’t be appearing in the exam but she has studied because the previous year papers had a full 15 mark question on it. So now you are stressed and ask her to give a quick summary. The summary turns into a novel and a nightmare and now you have forgotten the rest of the chapters. With a blank face and an equally blank mind, this chick is satisfied that her job here is done. AVOID AVOID AVOID
  4. The examiner : This is the friend that you actively avoid after completing the exam because she is the second examination that you aren’t prepared for. Her questions don’t give you any bonus marks, only bonus anguish as she confirms whether her answers match yours.”Did you write glycophospholipids for question 5 because Caleb said he wrote cholesterol but in the textbook it says glycophospholipids and remember how Trevor was saying that he will ask a question on glycophospholipids and I checked and that was the only question that’s answers would be glycophospholipids?” Or “What did you answer for that question, false yeah? coz it couldn’t be true and I did the practice exam and it said false so like 2 marks there yeaaah high five!!” You give the high five and a fake laugh and nod your head to agree like pfft yeaah totally while internally screaming and stabbing daggers because you had actually ticked true. She revises the whole exam paper and you feel your confidence dwindling to such a low that you are sure you have failed that paper. Avoid at all costs.
  5. The excited bloke : He is the guy who is chuffed on completing his paper. It doesn’t matter whether he was snoring the whole time and didn’t actually write a single word. He attended, slept on the exam and has finished just like the others. He is generous with bear hugs and handshakes and high fives and woohoooos that it becomes a nightmare for hijabis to not reciprocate the happiness. You seem like a party pooper for not hugging around and celebrating. Fellow Muslim sisters, avoid this one. The rest, go give him a bear hug. He showers so don’t worry, no stench fumes.

an-anonymous-friendfamily-member-sent-me-a-fresh-hot-cookie-delivery-and-a-note-that-said-good-exams-9499

6. The toilet camper : This is the guy that is a restless nervous ball of wreck. He has to rush to the toilet every 10 seconds and its not a silent rush either. Full throttle running up and down banging tables along the way announcing his entries and exits each time.One can never get used to it because as soon as you have adjusted your table, the tornado strikes again. Can’t avoid even if you wished.

resized_the-most-interesting-man-in-the-world-meme-generator-i-don-t-always-need-to-go-to-the-school-bathroom-but-when-i-do-it-s-during-a-final-exam-3749f9

7. The one more sheet/the hand shooter : This is the guy/girl that asks for an extra sheet as soon as the paper has started. You have just finished your silent prayers asking Allah to make the questions easy and flip the paper over to skim through the questions and this person already has his hand shot up, greedy eyes demanding extra sheets to gobble up. Can’t avoid, can’t ignore.

extra-sheet-during-exam

8. The silent ninja : This is a person that is actually quite hard to spot. He or she is seen outside exam halls revising by themselves silently, finishing up their exam papers in a calm and collected way and heading out with no emotions whatsoever. And when the results are released, their names are at the top of the list and everyone wonders who the hell were these inconspicuous ninja nerds? Didn’t notice, no avoidance.

9. The last minute-er : This is the person who literally does nothing in the exam. Sometimes he sleeps like the excited bloke but more often than not, he is just sitting there observing other students, creeping at a girl from behind or just looking at the clock the way a prisoner stares at walls. He hasn’t even touched the paper and he doesn’t seem too bothered. He is awaiting for the announcement of “15 minutes left”. That’s when his comatose brain comes to life. Now he starts attempting the questions in a frenzy. And when the examiner comes to take his sheet, he transforms into a wrestler and doesn’t love his beloved go. I guess he was playing hard to get. Don’t avoid, watch him struggle.

bar-exam-o

10. The cool girl : Ahem me? Oh why thanks. I don’t like to talk about myself really. Awww you insist? Alright, if you say so. I am a cut above all the rest. I shall be outside the exam halls pacifying people who think they will fail insisting they will pass. While in the exam hall, I shall be as light as a feather and as quite as a mouse. No, I am not the silent ninja. I am better. Once the exams are done, I shall be back to counseller mode pacifying friends that we either aced it or failed it and treat them to ice creams and cupcakes. Don’t avoid. Come join.

kitty walk

To all those appearing for exams, Good Luck. I am the last polar bear at the moment. Shall be hibernating for dayyyzz.

final-exam-meme

Bingey Jumping

Current mood : lazy. Current action : procrastination. Currently drinking : orange juice. Currently web surfing : how to get motivated to study for 12 hours non stop with no breaks in between so that even if a tsunami comes rushing, it will have to wait coz ain’t nobody got time for interruptions.

A website suggested that as a motivation I should make a checklist of the things I wish to do after finishing my exams.

Here’s my checklist : (Warning : excessive repetitive use of the word binge. If you get allergic reactions or epileptic attacks at my continual verbose, scroll down with eyes closed for my important announcement.)

  1. Binge YouTubing
  2. Binge eating chocolates
  3. Binge sleeping
  4. Binge eating chocolates
  5. Binge reading new books
  6. Binge eating chocolates
  7. Binge WordPressing
  8. Eating chocolates
  9. Binge shopping
  10. Eating chocolates
  11. Binge cooking
  12. Eat chocolates
  13. Binge learning new languages
  14. Eat chocolates
  15. Binge visiting all attractions of Melbourne
  16. Eat chocolates
  17. Binge driving lessons
  18. Chocolates
  19. Binge visiting countries
  20. Trying out new chocolates
  21. Binge wedding planning
  22. Chocolates
  23. Binge attending parties
  24. To eat chocolates
  25. Binge meeting up with friends
  26. Chocolat
  27. Binge bungee jumping
  28. Chocola
  29. Binge cleaning out my wardrobe
  30. Chocol
  31. Binge starting a new hobby
  32. Choco
  33. Binge exercising (really?)
  34. Choc
  35. Binge pampering myself with facials and mani/pedis
  36. Cho
  37. Binge travelling the world
  38. Ch
  39. Binge helping out the elderly at senior homes
  40. C
  41. Can’t binge no more
  42. …..

Current mood : Satiated with a little bit of nausea. Current action : lying on the floor amid wrappers of chocolates. Currently drinking : Air. Currently web surfing : How to get up from the floor when your stomach is so full of chocolates you can’t even breathe.

As you can tell, I need to get a life. And according to desi protocol, one can only get a life with straight A’s and a perfect GPA score of 4.0. So I googled on how to achieve that and Google advised me to try out something risky and daring like getting off the internet and going out on a date with my textbooks and lecture notes. I am always up for adventures so I shall try it. And hence I shall be unavailable till the 12th of November. But like the Terminator says : I’ll be baak!! To binge read all yo posts and to binge write some of my own!!

Ill-Be-Back-Terminator

P.S. That’s not me in the feature image. That’s my twin sister Aariyah 😛 We both love to binge-eat and I decided to click her photo in the act. She looks like she is thinking something deep in the photo but trust me she is not deep like me. The deepest thought she ever had was why are mornings called mornings and not mournings coz ya know, one mourns to have to get up to go to school/work?

Talk about awkward..

Have you ever experienced moments when you wish the earth would open up and swallow you whole? I wish that everyday because something embarrassing always happens to me. They call me Awkward Aaliyah. I am learning how to laugh at myself now. It’s a slow and hard process and I am hoping I am able to learn quickly before the Earth literally opens up and swallows me (that is,when I die and go to my grave). Sit back,relax and no, don’t drink your tea coz you might end up snorting it through your nose. List is long.You have been warned.

The awkward moment when :

  • you smile at a fellow hijabi and she doesn’t return the smile. In fact she looks at you with a deathly stare. Like why you do this to me? We are on the same team man.
  • you see a friend from afar and shout her name and wave excitedly while running up to her only to realise she is not your friend and then walk awkwardly back to your spot (that walk of shame).
  • you are at a party and an aunty enters so you get up and extend your hand and she walks past you leaving you hanging and then you have to bring back your hand to the side with everyone witnessing that fail moment.
  • you do a hi five with a friend and they leave you hanging.
  • you are at a party and while meeting someone you never know whether to stop after two head shakes or three.

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  • Or when you both turn your head at the same moment and in the same direction and end up face to face real close.
  • you are avoiding someone so you whip out your phone and pretend to text while walking past that person and bump into a pole, attracting the attention of the avoidee.
  • you are drinking fruit juice during a lecture and at the exact same moment that the lecturer goes quiet you make a slurpy noise. Loud. Everyone stares at you.
  • you ask the lady at the store whether a certain piece of clothing comes in your dress size aaaand you realize she does not work there and is a customer just like you.
  • a random person says hi and you respond warmly only to realise they are talking to someone on their bluetooth or earphones (Painfully awkward).
  • someone waves at you and you wave back and then realise that the person was waving to someone behind you (Mega awkward).
  • you are on the train and laugh out loud at something you are reading and everyone looks at you.
  • Or when you recall something funny and start laughing out of nowhere and everyone looks at you weirdly.
  • Or when you you talk to yourself forgetting it is a weird concept to some people.
  • you offer your seat on the tram/train to an old lady and she rebukes you for insinuating the fact she is old. And this is a white lady. Not even desi aunty. Gurrl, if you wanna look young, at least dye your hair.
  • someone says no offense and then proceeds to say the most offensive thing ever. And you have to pretend you didn’t get offended because after all they did warn you beforehand with the “no offense” (If you do that, kindly stop. You have got two ears and one tongue (a.k.a listen more, speak less. Also think before you speak. Also I shall punch you if you like being so brutally excruciatingly honest of your opinions. Not really but I do mentally fancy punching you.)
  • you are wearing heels and your feet goes woiiinngg in front of people.

funny-fail-model-memes-fall-fashion-show-catwalk-slip-high-heels

  • a white friend asks if you got a boyfriend yet or sells tickets to her club where she is the DJ. In your mum’s presence.
  • an aunty asks your mum whether she is looking for a guy for you in front of you and you don’t know where to look.
  • an aunty asks your mum for your photograph.
  • an aunty clicks a photo of you not so subtly.
  • an aunty wonders how she got so fat because she used to be so skinny when she was young while stuffing her mouth with food.
  • you attend a wedding in India and call this random dude in white suit as waiter bhaiyya,zara plate lete aana (Waiter!! Bring a plate) and it turns out he is the bride’s brother.
  • a little kid at a party insists on calling you aunty loudly all the time because you are hanging out with aunties.
  • Also when you call an aunty, “aunty” and she grimaces because she is a young 50 year old aunty who could totally pass off as your younger sister, and how could one be so blind to dare call her aunty? Appi/didi/baaji is the appropriate term of endearment.
  • When an uncle or aunty makes a mistake and the Gammar nazi/English tutor in you is itching to correct but it’s rude so you end up looking constipated.
  • someone gives an oxymoronic compliment such as “oh but you are pretty for an Indian” and you don’t know whether to be flattered at the insult or insulted by the compliment.
  • someone asks you stereotypical questions such as “How are you Indian and a Muslim? How are you Indian and fair? OMG you totally don’t have that Indian accent” and on and on “You don’t look like an Indian at alll. I thought you were from so and so country. So are you like full Indian or half? (I often wonder if there is a typical Indian look that they have in mind. I mean India is such a diverse country).
  • you attend a Pakistani party and all of them are bashing Indians verbally.
  • you attend a Pakistani party and they ask which part of Pakistan you are from and when you say Indian, they all go ” Ohhh I love Shah Rukh Khan and have you watched Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham?, I looove that movie” and start complimenting Mother India like they are Indians themselves. It is so delightfully awkward.No offense to my Pakistani friends and readers. I love y’all. Y’all are mad cute.
  • a random stranger suddenly starts speaking in Arabic and after you have checked whether they are indeed talking to you and are not on their headphones, you wait for them to complete their paragraph before apologizing on not understanding. Its awkward for you at first and then become awkward for the poor chap.
  • When you and your friends are discussing someone and you turn around and that person is seated on the table beside you. And you weren’t being too hushed in your discussion either. So now you awkwardly smile wondering if they heard you.
  • When you meet someone and they have something stuck on their tooth. Or booger on their nose.And you can’t look away even if you wanted to because they have some extremely exciting news to share.
  • you are stalking someone on social media and accidentally like their photo or status from 3 years ago (A friendly tip : Create a fake account for stalking so if you do like something, no harm done).
  • an aunty’s baby is crying so loud you want to scratch your hair out (hijab in my case) and the aunty suddenly turns and looks at you as if she has heard your thoughts and catches you making that not so subtle annoyed look.
  • you pull a push door or vice versa repeatedly and get frustrated when it doesn’t open and someone behind has to remind you “Umm, you are supposed to push/pull?”
  • you are at the elevator and right before the doors close, someone runs through it and you scream louuud and close your eyes because that person is going to get squashed.Not really.In my defence I had a nightmare of the sort.
  • you are so busy talking to your friend that you enter the mens bathroom but thankfully someone shouts from behind and then proceeds to laugh his head off.
  • you are blushing after an awkward moment and someone goes “Oohhh look you are turning red” (not helping mate) and then you turn even more red.

The first step to laughing at yourself is to make a post of the cringe-worthy moments you have encountered. And so, I invite you to let me know that I am not the only one. Tell me in the comments your funniest moments ever. Or make a post out of it if you have heaps like I do.

Cousins Take Control

I am the only girl in my family. Fortunately. I don’t need to share my things and more importantly my bed. I always used to yearn for a sister as my two bros are busy being boys, talking non-stop about cars and video games and other boring boy chatter. I do my girly chat with mum who makes it up for the absence of my sister by patiently listening to my blabber of the day but its just not the same. Often I can hear my brothers in their room talking late at night while I lay in my bed silently in my room, unable to sleep and wishing I had someone to talk to as well till I fell asleep. That changed recently.

So my aunt and uncle recently went to Hajj (The Islamic pilgrimage to the Holy Place of Makkah). They left behind their 3 kids (the cousins I was talking about in my last post). 2 girls (now aged 12 and 9) and a boy (aged 5).All of a sudden the house that was once masked with silence of adults quitely working on computers and laptops was now enveloped in the giggling and hysterical laughter of little kids. While I am enjoying playing ludo and watching animated movies and discussing latest teenage trends (who else hates Justin Bieber’s new haircut?), the noise and shrieky shrill piercing cry that emanates when I cut my cousins at Ludo is something my eardrums is getting adjusted to.

Another thing that I am getting adjusted to is the presence of a living being or rather living beings in my bed. You might have seen those sleeping positions : the foetus, the starfish etc. that tells what personality you are based on your sleeping position.

renotalk-sleeping-positions

I think the people who made that chart forgot to add the kicker, the hoarder and the pusher. I am the foetus. My cousins, on the other hand, not only create ruckus when they are awake and running around but even when they are asleep. The youngest kid, the boy, is hoarder. He likes to hoard onto the bed space. This leaves little space for me to curl into my position. The eldest is the pusher. Normally she is known to be the silent sleeper but I guess change in sleeping environment tends to mutanise your sleeping ability because she tends to push me out of the bed with her outstretched legs.Lastly, the evil (and the cutest) out of the three is the middle one : the kicker.Known to kick her feet around while asleep. She probably dreams of playing soccer or Beckham tutoring her to kick hard because skinny as she is, her kicks pack quite a punch. Its a good thing I have late afternoon classes as I can compensate for sleepless nights by sleeping in.

In conclusion, they have made me realise what a blessing a lack of sister in my life can be. And although I love them to bits and life seems louder with their presence, peace and quite at the end of the night is what I am starting to pine for.Even my queen size bed would agree.

***Images courtesy of Google.

He won’t bite. He will just maul you to death.

So WordPress does this weird thing where you save a draft and it schedules it to post and you schedule a post to be posted on Saturday and it just publishes it which is what happened with this one.I quickly removed it but it was too late and people who got my new post in subscription feed emailed me to ask where the new post was.So I quickly finished it up and am posting the would-be Saturday post today.Enough of my blabber.Enjoy.

This post is inspired by Sulphurman’s post on dogs.Go check it out as his posts will have you nostalgic for the hassle and dazzle of Indian streets and golgappes,chaats and the cows that form a makeshift round-a-bout where ever they chose to sit in the middle of streets.

Although my fair share of experiences with dogs have been little than what most people can go on for hours about, there are two incidents that stick in my mind. For dog-lovers and dog-owners who are reading this : I DO NOT let me repeat DO NOT hate dogs. Ever since Simba came into my family, I have mutual love for all animals. Animals that don’t seem to jump up to your shoulders to sniff and bare their canines (pun unintended).Even so, my fear for animals have decreased considerably. In fact I go all mushy when I see kittens or baby goats and had the opportunity to pet the latter while on my visit to India last year.

baby goat

Onlookers came to know that I didn’t live there, that I was an NRI, born and brought up abroad, because who really looks adoringly at the goats chewing loudly, minding their own business?

India, with its already booming human population, can also easily account for the highest dog population, given the amount of stray dogs barking at every corner or howling at night throughout suburbs and cities. One dog starts howling, the whole pack imitates and pretty soon the next street dogs and then the whole town is filled with collective moaning of dogs. It was some thing I got used to while falling asleep and so, when I returned to Australia, the sheer silence of nothingness kept me awake for hours at end.

Once I was out to shop with my mum and we were stuck in the traffic. In bustling India, being stuck in traffic is awesome because there is never a dull moment. You get to hear verbal abuses of drivers “Chal bey, dekh ke nahi chalta (Oii move!!Fool can’t see where he is walking)”, the afore-mentioned cows walking ahead ever-so slightly at a snail pace, swishing tails in the process and looking at you in mock innocence and incomprehensibility when you honk the horn at them to hurry up. Then a driver gets out of his car to smack the cow’s behind. Meanwhile you hear a baby crying and turn your head in the direction to see where it is coming from. Aaah little kids running through the dirt, one fallen onto the gravel, crying,holding up his bruised knee. Anyway so I saw this stray dog minding his own business, when a 25 year old something guy, just kicks it in the face. The dog howls in surprise and pain and receives another kick. My heart lurches at this assault and I wish to get out of the auto and run to this sadistic guy and kick him the face but I can’t and I don’t. To this day, I wish I did. So yeah, I don’t hate dogs, I just fear them. Something that white Australians don’t get. What they do get is offended if I see a dog and run in the opposite direction. They would rather I scream at the sight of their 6 month old baby than shriek at the sight of their munchkin boo Lady Diana.

Incident 1 : I had gone to my neighbour’s house with my 3 year old cousin and was waiting outside after knocking the door. The door opened ever so slightly and a black daschund-size dog whizzed past my legs onto my baby cousin prancing in delight.Dog prancing not my cousin.My cousin was running around my legs in circle crying and shrieking asking me to pick him up, the dog chasing him and I am frozen in terror screaming my head off. The aunty doesn’t know what to do so she calls her teenage son who bribes the dog with treats. Dog leaves, I pick my cousin up and we dart out of there forgetting the purpose for which we had gone to their place. To this day, I avoid any sort of contact with the next door neighbour.

Incident 2 : It was a nice sunny day and I had taken my 3 cousins (aged 10,7 and 3) to the park. I was pushing the 3 year old on the swing and the 10 year old was pushing her 7 year old sister and we were laughing and chatting away when a door nearby park opens and a huge dog (what is with all these huge dogs? why not a chihuahua?) comes rushing.

dog runner

All of us start screaming. In reflex action, I forget my cousins and rush for my dear life (Hey, don’t judge. It was a do or die situation). The dog runs after me and I am screaming and crying and running circles in the park, the dog chasing me in joyful barks with its tongue lolling around its chin and my cousins screaming out my name like a jinn had possessed them. The owner is calling out the dog’s name but the dog is busy enjoying my squeals of terror to listen to its master. Like in any horror movie, I trip and the dog is over me and I close my eyes because it’s all over.The owner yanks away the dog and mutters an apology but he is clearly insulted at my offensive behaviour. I don’t know what he was expecting : for me to bow down to his dog or what? Naah man ain’t gonna apologise for your hyper canine mate.

dog meme

Dogs and desis do not gel.Well 95% don’t. Apparently Pakistanis are up in the game with most of my friends adopting furry poodles but for Indians and Bangladeshis :  well the hatred is as much and as real as for each other.

***Images and gifs courtesy of Google.

In Search of Perfection

I am a perfectionist. I love organizing and keeping everything in place. I clean out my cupboards every month, re-arrange my clothes and stack it properly. I need to have a pencil,sharpener, ruler, a red pen, a black pen, a blue pen and a highlighter in my pencil case at all times. I need to have matching hijabs for every abaya and matching jewellery and shoes for every dress, matching dupatta for every shalwaar kameez, mind you not a shade lighter or darker but the exact same which seems to irk my family and relatives as it creates a hassle when shopping in India.

tmars-or-ts-recovering-perfectionist

I am a procrastinator. I submit my assignments the exact time its due and not a minute before. I watch all YouTube videos in my subscription feed and then watch recommendations, hop onto Instagram then Twitter and finally Facebook. Once I am done stalking and watching what everyone else is upto, I check my emails and then finally decide to get to the report that is due in 6 hours. Type the title, name and student number. Mind drifts and fingers shift to WordPress to read blog posts or to write one of my own.

So how does perfectionism and procrastination work mutually? According to a research conducted recently, perfectionism leads to procrastination. But if I am perfect, I wouldn’t procrastinate now would I? It is in the quest of perfection that we tend to procrastinate. We like to furnish and refurbish that essay to the point that words literally gleam out of the paper. We like to gain full marks for that test we have to study for and so we put off the hardcore studying to a later time when we can concentrate and give it all we got. We relax/procrastinate so we can get our mind in to the zone.

procrastinate-now-and-panic-later-20

And hence I am writing this post instead of writing my reports that are due tomorrow. I have already done one (well almost) but the other giant report that has been sitting on my desk for the past one month worth 20% of my total grade is scaring me. I have to tackle it sooner or later (by sooner I mean now and by later I mean today).No matter what I do, the report is constantly at the back of my head reminding me of my future GPA, terrorizing me and not letting me sleep in peace the way an Indian nagging wife nags her husband the moment he steps into home after a long day at the office.

procrastination-meme

There is this tactic that I use when I start getting overwhelmed. I start imagining the peaceful tranquil moments I shall have once I am done. The joyful heart thrumming and humming within my body, the cerebellum and cerebrum of my brain partying away and the nerves that started to get tense when the lecturer handed in the assignment until the moment I handed it in,  finally unwinding and praising the Lord for the stress that I had put it in. That really works. I get motivated and bust out books and research articles and peruse through journals. I am in the zone. I start pumping information into my report like a scientist pumping chemicals into machine and arrive at such brilliant conclusions that would leave my lecturer proud. I start imagining my lecturer’s reaction and the moment he hands out my report to me with a smile so huge I can see which tooth he got root canal done. Even better, he calls me to the front of the class and announces what an asset I am to his class while telling the rest of the meh average class to reproduce the results of the brilliance that I am.

DIIINNGGG!!! Ooooh I got a notification on my phone breaking my reverie. I shall be right back 😛

security

*** Images from Google


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I shall be right there for you when you fall……….laughing so harrrddd

There are some friends with whom you instantly connect and share all your laughs and sorrows and life’s every moment and with whom you become really close with and later can’t seem to recall how you met and became friends in the first place. Then there are others who just land in your life at the right moment and right time and with whom you wouldn’t have thought of getting close to but you do and you actually do remember how you two met. Beatriz fell in the latter category. Fell being the imperative word as that is what my funny and georgeous friend seems to do : fall.

I met Beatriz as I was rushing to Nutrition Principals lecture. As I rushed to open the door, I noticed a girl beside me and gave her way to enter before me. She said thanks with a wide smile & enquired whether I was heading to Nutrition lecture as well. Upon getting a positive nod, her smile grew even wider and we started chatting away by asking about each other. Over the course of next weeks, we both came to know about each other’s families (she is Brazilian),likes and preferences. She is my only friend who has had the honour of getting to know about my blog. Beatriz is such a sweet soul that she not only reads it regularly and gives me feedback but has also told about my blog to her friends in Brazil. Readers from Brazil, thank you for your support.

Anyway today’s topic is falling. No, not the autumn fall but the physical act of smashing to the ground. Last week when I met up with Beatriz, she wasn’t able to speak. She was choking on her words and gasping for air. No, she wasn’t dying. She had fallen while climbing the stairs, and was laughing so hard tears were streaming down her face as she recounted to me her epic failure of the basic etiquette of the climb. And even though, I hadn’t had the chance to actually observe the glorious moment in action, Beatriz was laughing so hard and she drew such a great visualisation, that I was rolled up on the floor, doubling with laughter. We two were like a bunch of lunatics, laughing loud and hard and were drawing stares from everyone present in the library. It was later when we packed our bags and headed to our tutorial that Beatriz was kind enough to enact the whole fall in action as we climbed up the stairs.She had fallen just as Jennifer Lawrence had (gif down below) except Jennifer Lawrence fell in front of the whole world and Beatriz had fallen in front of her whole class. So engrossed was I in observing Beatriz that I didn’t realise and tripped over my own dress, in almost the exact same fashion as Beatriz had.The howls of laughter that erupted from both of us at my fall was too much to behold.

beatriz fall

I guess it was fall season all around the world. Sarah Hyland tripped while walking to the stage at the Teen Choice Awards.

sarah-hyland-tripping

Oh and then last week, I was walking from university to station to catch the train. I was wearing my new ankle boots and was strutting my strut among the crowd of city people which included girls in business suits and pony tails and 6 inch heels. Mine wasn’t 6 inch. Probably 2 inch. So I wouldn’t trip right? 6 inch Elizabeth would right? Apparently some slippery pamphlety flyer was beneath me and my boots sorta slipped and gave way and my foot went above my knee and my head jerked back , wait I shall include a gif so you can feel like you were there when it happened.

trip

Yeah yeah laugh away!! I was so embarassed that I could feel my face getting red. I didn’t look anywhere, just straight ahead and resumed by my strut like the above cute penguin.(I hope I looked just as cute). Serious question : why do we find it funny when someone slips,trips,falls? Is it because of that sudden clumsy motion of a person’s hands flailing around,legs flying in different directions? That person could injure himself/herself, sometimes resulting in death OKAY?? DON’T LAUGH. That person has already damaged his self-esteem. No need to add insult to the injury.I can still hear your muffled laughter btw.

This post is dedicated to Beatriz. That exchange student from Brazil who made my Fridays less tiresome and more funnysome. You are a sweet and kind friend. Your fall inspired this post so thank you.

***Image and gifs via Google Image