ME

I thought it would take time

To let go

I thought it would take a while

For you to leave me alone

Those daydreams and

Wishes on stars

Seems forgotten

Promises broken

You promised you would

never hurt me

You promised you would

look out for me

Why do I feel

so lonely and alone

Why do I feel

I have no one at home

They say it takes time

time to heal

Band aids never

do come out easy

Then why does it

hurt still

Why do I

miss you still

I have moved on

made myself busy

But sometimes

something triggers the memory

I walk past that shop

where we tried out costumes

laughed like idiots

howled at the moon

I listen to that song

that we played on repeat

danced on the beds

sang to karaoke

We used to lay down

beneath the open sky

Talk about the future

never knew you would fly

Now I avoid

that shop, those songs

But tell me how do I avoid you

when the heartless stars

follow me along

They tell me to forget you

Its been a long while

Band aid long gone

The wound is still inside

You said you never lie

you said you would never leave

you lied when you left

why did you leave

Long drives

on curvy roads

Windows open

trying to unload

Creating new memories

Meeting new ones

Trying out stuff

Even going on a run

You said you wouldn’t leave me

You are right you never did

I see you everywhere I look

Your presence I am trying to get rid

“Quit it!!” I say

Leave me alone

You say you made a promise

You can’t see me forlorn

Leave me leave me please

Let me move on let me be

No come back I beg of you

I need to hold on I need to see

I need to mourn

I need you

need you

please

don’t go

don’t ever

let go

Lost

alone

Wild in pain

helpless

hopeless

feeling insane

********

I cry in silence

They mock me otherwise

They need to understand

Screaming out loud helps pain subside

So I stand in the balcony

Gazing at the stars

Gazing at memories

Gazing at the scars

Coz even though you ripped me

like a band aid

I can’t howl like they do

They label me with shame

Maybe

screaming will scare you away

Maybe

you might run away

So I shall be quiet

utterly still

Wait for the angel

await the drill

I know you shall be waiting

at the gates of heaven

Renew the memories

Let the games begin.

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Stranger Danger

So how does this arranged marriage thing work exactly? I know that there is the match-making rishta karaane waali aunty and relatives and matrimonial sites involved. And then one sends photos and a proper bio-data.

For those who don’t know the insides working on how to meet your dream guy/girl (desi arrange marriage version), allow me to explain. I am relatively new to it as well. Not foreign to the concept but I am an actual participant this time so I get to know the deets. Somewhat. Anyway,so what happens is, the parents tell everyone that their daughter/son is of age and that they are looking for a groom/bride. So those who are hiding and withholding back their eligible kids, bring it on. Some parents even put up their sons/daughters for auction on matrimonial sites where interested people view the profiles and sell off their sons in return for daughter-in-laws and vice versa. And then there are rishta aunties : you know those aunties whose eyes are magnified under glasses and who eye you up and down and they only attend parties to see which sheep are good for purchase. They get paid if the proposals come to fruition. To be honest this match-making tendency is a genetic trait in all desi aunties and they love pairing any and every boy to any and every girl even if they don’t get paid. It’s a charity work. Us kids are the charity cases.

Once both parties are set up, comes the exchange of photos and biodata. The bio-data is just like a resume you would send for a job and I guess it makes sense because of course I am applying for the role of a wife (duh) and if they approve of my bio-data, I get accepted. You also have to mention the qualifications of parents,how many siblings (what they do,if they are married) plus jobs and contact details of paternal uncles (I know,weird). And all this I get.

Next comes the formal meeting. How do you know in the meetings and phone calls prior to marriage if he is the right person for you? Even a drug-dealer looks innocent while on trams and trains. You can’t tell if the person is being genuine or not. Plus what questions do you ask? How do you tell if he is an underground criminal or hiding a girlfriend underground? How do you tell if he is wearing a wig or is that his real hair? How do you know whether he is not that weird psycho protective one who won’t allow you to blog after marriage? What if he has an annoying habit of biting his nails, or scratching his ear incessantly, or spitting at every corner? What if he has those racky coughs or snores loudly or laughs weirdly like hyenas? What if he smokes?Is it ok to ask whether he knows how to cook? How much he earns?Does he have a short temper? (I guess after all these questions, I will have the short temper question answered 😛 ) How do you know if he doesn’t really want to marry but his parents want him to? How do you know if he is being forcefully married? He would hate me then. Also do you look him in the eyes and talk to appear confident or is that considered brash and bold by desi standards? Do you ask too many questions in the first meeting or leave it for later?I mean will there even be a later? And how do you know you have clicked? I have too many awkward situations in my life to handle that happens involuntarily and then this??? This is straight up jumping into the most awkward pretentious situation ever.

I guess its the fear of the unknown.I am not bashing the concept of arranged marriage but it doesn’t look too promising either.Most of my friends have been arranged married happily. And in sha Allah I will too. The destination is out there. It’s the journey that scares me. This whole process of getting to know the right guy. Of making him the right guy for you. Of leaving your family behind. Of entering into a brand new family.My friends have done it. Millions of other girls have gone through the process. It won’t be that bad right? Right?

Examining examinees

(Cough cough. Pardon the smoke)

I have been giving examinations my whole life. From the age of 4 to 22. So even though I don’t have a technical degree in Masters of Examination, I have in fact mastered the art of cramming and vomiting. Notes not chocolates.

Last Thursday I bid farewell and resigned from the position of student. I had my final exams and it went great alhumdulillah. Thanks to all who wished me good luck.

Now I have attended various examination halls throughout my prolific career. And I have observed various kinds of examinees.

1. Diva : This is the girl that prepared more for her appearance than the exam. She has the full makeup with fake eyelashes, knee length boots and a poncho. Her hair is straightened sleek and she looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine. When other students are busy poring into the textbook, she is running around the hall looking for the perfect lighting to capture that duckface selfie. She is busy rolling her eyes at students who are crazy for checking out their books than her. No point avoiding coz she is already avoiding you.
2. The anti-diva : This is the guy that probably hasn’t showered ever since the examination month has started. He looks homeless with clothes crumpled, few flies buzzing around his head, a scruffy beard with few lice running on it and a stench that kills everyone except the flies and the lice. He is the guy you go and stand next to if you haven’t prepared for the exam as it wouldn’t technically be a suicide on your part or murder on his. He hasn’t been studying either as he is seen running around people asking if they could lend him notes on Biochemistry. He probably spends time in his dungeon playing Halo or World of Warcraft and attends examinations to get some fresh air and sunlight. Avoid him and thou shalt live.
3. The nerd : This girl knows anything and everything and sole purpose of her life is to make sure you are sufficiently stocked up on stress by asking whether you have studied for Chapter 15 on Lipids and Fats that the lecturer had hinted wouldn’t be appearing in the exam but she has studied because the previous year papers had a full 15 mark question on it. So now you are stressed and ask her to give a quick summary. The summary turns into a novel and a nightmare and now you have forgotten the rest of the chapters. With a blank face and an equally blank mind, this chick is satisfied that her job here is done. AVOID AVOID AVOID
4. The examiner : This is the friend that you actively avoid after completing the exam because she is the second examination that you aren’t prepared for. Her questions don’t give you any bonus marks, only bonus anguish as she confirms whether her answers match yours.”Did you write glycophospholipids for question 5 because Caleb said he wrote cholesterol but in the textbook it says glycophospholipids and remember how Trevor was saying that he will ask a question on glycophospholipids and I checked and that was the only question that’s answers would be glycophospholipids?” Or “What did you answer for that question, false yeah? coz it couldn’t be true and I did the practice exam and it said false so like 2 marks there yeaaah high five!!” You give the high five and a fake laugh and nod your head to agree like pfft yeaah totally while internally screaming and stabbing daggers because you had actually ticked true. She revises the whole exam paper and you feel your confidence dwindling to such a low that you are sure you have failed that paper. Avoid at all costs.
5. The excited bloke : He is the guy who is chuffed on completing his paper. It doesn’t matter whether he was snoring the whole time and didn’t actually write a single word. He attended, slept on the exam and has finished just like the others. He is generous with bear hugs and handshakes and high fives and woohoooos that it becomes a nightmare for hijabis to not reciprocate the happiness. You seem like a party pooper for not hugging around and celebrating. Fellow Muslim sisters, avoid this one. The rest, go give him a bear hug. He showers so don’t worry, no stench fumes.

6. The toilet camper : This is the guy that is a restless nervous ball of wreck. He has to rush to the toilet every 10 seconds and its not a silent rush either. Full throttle running up and down banging tables along the way announcing his entries and exits each time.One can never get used to it because as soon as you have adjusted your table, the tornado strikes again. Can’t avoid even if you wished.

7. The one more sheet/the hand shooter : This is the guy/girl that asks for an extra sheet as soon as the paper has started. You have just finished your silent prayers asking Allah to make the questions easy and flip the paper over to skim through the questions and this person already has his hand shot up, greedy eyes demanding extra sheets to gobble up. Can’t avoid, can’t ignore.

8. The silent ninja : This is a person that is actually quite hard to spot. He or she is seen outside exam halls revising by themselves silently, finishing up their exam papers in a calm and collected way and heading out with no emotions whatsoever. And when the results are released, their names are at the top of the list and everyone wonders who the hell were these inconspicuous ninja nerds? Didn’t notice, no avoidance.

9. The last minute-er : This is the person who literally does nothing in the exam. Sometimes he sleeps like the excited bloke but more often than not, he is just sitting there observing other students, creeping at a girl from behind or just looking at the clock the way a prisoner stares at walls. He hasn’t even touched the paper and he doesn’t seem too bothered. He is awaiting for the announcement of “15 minutes left”. That’s when his comatose brain comes to life. Now he starts attempting the questions in a frenzy. And when the examiner comes to take his sheet, he transforms into a wrestler and doesn’t love his beloved go. I guess he was playing hard to get. Don’t avoid, watch him struggle.

10. The cool girl : Ahem me? Oh why thanks. I don’t like to talk about myself really. Awww you insist? Alright, if you say so. I am a cut above all the rest. I shall be outside the exam halls pacifying people who think they will fail insisting they will pass. While in the exam hall, I shall be as light as a feather and as quite as a mouse. No, I am not the silent ninja. I am better. Once the exams are done, I shall be back to counseller mode pacifying friends that we either aced it or failed it and treat them to ice creams and cupcakes. Don’t avoid. Come join.

To all those appearing for exams, Good Luck. I am the last polar bear at the moment. Shall be hibernating for dayyyzz.