Ra-MAD-aners

Ramadan Kareem y’all!! It’s mid-Ramadan now and although Ramadan is said to be the month of quran and patience, I am having a real hard time keeping my patience.Nope, its not coz of the hunger pangs. Its coz of certain people.

  1. The Snapchatter : This is the person that literally snaps each and every moment of Ramadan from suhoor to iftaar to taraweeh to “feeling blessed and holy”. We all know you be stuffing pakoras everyday for iftaar mate. And we all know you attend the 20 rakah taraweeh instead of the 8 rakah that mere mortals go to.
  2. The Instagrammer : This person posts iftaar pics everyday like literally everyday. Its the same iftaar with same pakoras and same samosas and same roohafza drink and the same caption of yummmmm and the same hashtags. The only difference is the seating positions on the table.
  3. The Temporary Haram Police : This person is typically the one who smokes shisha during the non-Ramadan period but as soon as the Ramadan moon is sighted, he is seen distributing dates and Noman Ali Khan lectures CDs outside the masjid. Another distinguishing characteristic is the replacement of swear language with masha Allahs  and subhan Allahs. because-ramadan_o_1819477
  4. Moon Fighters : Australia might be dubbed the city of beaches and sunshine but there ain’t no sun shining at us folks here in Melbourne. Hence, the Board of Imams seek the scientific calculations of astronomers on the likelihood of the appearance of crescent moon. The Hilal Committee on the other hand try to physically sight the hilal through telescopes. Obviously there is always a contest since never the twain meet. Every year, the moon fighters (or loony moonies a.k.a people who follow the Hilal Committee) will debate with the astronomical – culators (people who follow the Board of Imams) on the correct ruling and which day the “actual” Eid actually is? The reason I find these conversations annoying is because they happen literally every year like they DO NOT learn their lesson. Its like someone presses the repeat button. Last year we were the moon fighters, this year we decided to go with the astronomical-culators, since people keep sprouting myriad hadeeth citations.
  5. The Cute Monsters : At the start of the taraweeh, these are the tiny toddlers who are lying on the masjid carpet,looking innocently at you, making it harder for you to focus on the quran that the imam is praying because you get so lost in those big baby boo eyes of theirs. Four rakahs in and its even more harder for you to concentrate because the imam’s voice is lost in the wailing and screaming of that same baby who was innocent a few moments ago. While the mum of the baby concerned should be concerned, she clearly isn’t as she is seen humming along to the tune of the imam. Meanwhile us other ladies are trying to calm the baby down during prayer by showering angry faces for it to stop which only results in the wails getting louder like seriously baby SHOOOOSH!!! And as soon as we finish our prayer by doing the tahiyyat and shaking heads right and left by assalamualaikum wa rahmatullah, the baby is as quiet as an unplugged vaccum cleaner. You stare at the baby and ask what the hell baby and it just hypnotizes you with its eyes by saying that aint me, nuh-uh!
  6. The Mums of Cute Monsters : Sisters, please for the love of Allah, I am not going to sugar coat or humorify this paragraph because wallahi that baby of yours, masha Allah and subhan Allah so so cute but during taraweeh are all tauba tauba and astaghfirullah. Sisters, I wish I could quote the hadeeth now but I am too lazy to go research it, but I do know for a fact that you get the same amount of ajr and sawaab and rewards if you prayed at home then if you came to the masjid. Allah allows this because masha Allah you are making effort and coming to mosque, changing the clothes of your baby and yourself and praying among the din din of your baby noise but sister, pray at home so the only person suffering is just you and not us.  We wish the enjoy to imam’s qiraat and the quran recitation and the not having cute but annoying babies phase. Jazakallahu khairan.
  7. The Annoying Azz Toddlers : It is mentioned in a hadeeth that during the holy month of Ramadan, the shaytaan (satan) is locked up for ease of the Muslims to abstain from the whisperings and evil sins. So imagine my surprise when I rocked up on the first night of taraweeh and saw mini devils running around the mosque. Those cute monsters mentioned above are not alone, oh no, they have older baby brothers and sisters, who have spawned into halal shayateen. The characteristics of these munchkins is that they will either be running around the legs of the taraweehers or crying for an iPad or iPhone that one out of the 15 have. They will come and grab your water bottle from your purse and chug it down with their saliva splatters on the rim of your drink or take a shower with it, or take your iPhone and try unlocking it so many times that the next time you can unlock it is in 367 years. All this right in front of your eyes and you helplessly watch them unable to do anything because a) you are in prayer and b) their mum is nearby so you can’t thwack them. Sometimes they grab the chairs off those who pray with them resulting in a couple of ladies falling while seating for sujood which is horrifying really.
  8. The Mums of Annoying Azz Toddlers : Sisters, please don’t create these munchkins. Just kidding, they make taraweeh fun. But seriously, teach them etiquette of the mosque especially to not play with chairs of those who pray with them.  It can seriously injure the ladies. Aand again, pray at home. PLEEEEASE!! I get very thirsty because your Abdullah drank all my water. Waaaaaah!!!
  9. Huffaz : When the imam is praying quran taraweeh and you are a hafiz yourself, it is tempting to read along with him. I totally understand. I am a hafiz myself. And I do read along. Just not aloud. I neither whisper, nor hum, nor mutter, nor mumble. I neither read the faa nor the seen or the sheen aloud. Infact my lips are closed as I pray along in my mind. Why am I quoting what I do? Its because other taraweehers, including myself find it irksome to hear someone two rows behind going haaaaaaa aloud when the imam recites haa meem. We get it masha Allah, you are a hafiz. May Allah grant you jannah. But sister, Allah knows what is in your heart. Pray in your heart and Allah will reward you. You can even dance a bit on your spot if that’s how excited listening to imam read what you know makes you. That’s not allowed but you do you. Just do it silently. Thank you.

Writing these down has calmed me considerably. You might have witnessed these people in your mosques or maybe you are one of them lol. If you know any other kind then vent down below. Just no swearing please. Shukran.

 

Ssshhh

Sneaking in ever so quietly…..

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How has everyone been? I missed my internet fam. There have been sweet comments left on my blog by the absolute sweet sisters that made me melt.I shall get back to responding.

I am back. No, I didn’t get married (fortunately) as some had asked if my husband forbade me to blog. I would rather chuck the husband out than my blog. I had gone overseas and returned back to start my Masters (which is what desi girls do when they don’t get married by the end of Bachelors :P). Masters is draining the hell out of me. Classes all five days 9 to 6 with assignments and assessments. Anyway no excuse will justify my long absence. So let me just make it up by letting your Aussie girl inform you about the weird facts of good ol’ Aus you might not know.

  1. The fact that toilets and bathrooms don’t come with locks. Not all houses, some, but still. My friend bought this house and one of the toilets doesn’t come with a door!! Apparently you have to pay extra for the toilet door.
  2. People in India just drop in without calling. People in Dubai call to let you know they shall be visiting. People in Aus are soo polite that its annoyingly cute. They don’t come. At all. You have to send an invitation and ask them to come because you have started talking to walls. I bet even for my funeral, I shall have to call everyone 2 hours before my imminent death with invitations and ask them to RSVP.
  3. Day light savings.
  4. That my little cousins attend “colleges” (primary level schooling) and my brother and I attend “schools” (a.k.a universities).
  5. That there are alcohol shops next to schools, ahem I mean “colleges”. The two colleges I got to attend here, both had them so I am assuming its a norm for all (Could be wrong. So far no drunk kids spotted.)
  6. Return policy : you can return any item (except bedding,cosmetics and used nappies) as long as you have the receipt. This is the main reason why NRI’s here don’t want to go back to India lol.
  7. The water that flushes the toilet is as filtered as the water that I drink from tap (Let that sink in.)
  8. Almost all shops close by 5 p.m. Worst thing ever. One gets back from work/uni/college/school whatever by evening and the shops are closed. People here don’t sweat about it but as a Dubai mall girl I seem to find it highly unfair that the plaza is open only for housewives.
  9. The public transport system is so unreliable that one is forced to force her brothers and parents to drop her off to station so she doesn’t have to wait for 40 minutes for the bus and walk 1 kilometre to home.
  10. They make you book in for a doctor’s appointment and call you in an hour late than the scheduled time but when its the other way round and you arrive just 5 minutes late, they have to reschedule your appointment to another day because you are late and they weren’t able to torture you to the maximum one hour they are allowed to.
  11. Mcdonald’s also known as Maccas. So when a friend first asked whether I would be interested going to Maccas, I assumed Makkah and stared at her nonplussed. Refused because I hadn’t saved enough money for the pilgrimage when really she was asking whether I would like to hang out for a 4 dollar McFlurry milkshake.
  12. The slang language. Barbeque = barbie, afternoon = arvo, etc. There is a whole dictionary full of it and I could write a post just on it.
  13. Honey soy chicken chips.Like whaaaat? So its a potato chips chicken flavoured. All good yeah? But no, lets vegetify it and add soy. Make it a little bit healthy. Let the vegetarians taste the goodness of chicken. But wait, what about people with a sweet tooth? Can’t forget them now can we? Ergo honey.
  14. Vegemite. Nuff said. For those who want to have a lick at it, I have one that expired a year ago that I received when I got my citizenship and we got it from the council for becoming an Aussie. So you shout Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi (while balancing the Aussie passport on your head) and then scoop a chunk of vegemite and dunk it in. If you can’t eat that scoopful, you aint becoming an Aussie. That’s how Stralians play mate!! We keep that honey soy chicken close and vegemite even closer. (Disclaimer : Not sponsored by Vegemite or the chickens.)
  15. Australia is the only country where it is legal to eat the national animal. But I mean kangaroos!!! Why??Kangaroo-Selfie.jpg

Any Aussies reading the post : you can come at me. These are my observations and the intention wasn’t to offend/insult Australia/Australians. I love me my Aussie barbie and we can have a nice chat some arvo.We can have vegemite together too.

Talk about awkward..

Have you ever experienced moments when you wish the earth would open up and swallow you whole? I wish that everyday because something embarrassing always happens to me. They call me Awkward Aaliyah. I am learning how to laugh at myself now. It’s a slow and hard process and I am hoping I am able to learn quickly before the Earth literally opens up and swallows me (that is,when I die and go to my grave). Sit back,relax and no, don’t drink your tea coz you might end up snorting it through your nose. List is long.You have been warned.

The awkward moment when :

  • you smile at a fellow hijabi and she doesn’t return the smile. In fact she looks at you with a deathly stare. Like why you do this to me? We are on the same team man.
  • you see a friend from afar and shout her name and wave excitedly while running up to her only to realise she is not your friend and then walk awkwardly back to your spot (that walk of shame).
  • you are at a party and an aunty enters so you get up and extend your hand and she walks past you leaving you hanging and then you have to bring back your hand to the side with everyone witnessing that fail moment.
  • you do a hi five with a friend and they leave you hanging.
  • you are at a party and while meeting someone you never know whether to stop after two head shakes or three.

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  • Or when you both turn your head at the same moment and in the same direction and end up face to face real close.
  • you are avoiding someone so you whip out your phone and pretend to text while walking past that person and bump into a pole, attracting the attention of the avoidee.
  • you are drinking fruit juice during a lecture and at the exact same moment that the lecturer goes quiet you make a slurpy noise. Loud. Everyone stares at you.
  • you ask the lady at the store whether a certain piece of clothing comes in your dress size aaaand you realize she does not work there and is a customer just like you.
  • a random person says hi and you respond warmly only to realise they are talking to someone on their bluetooth or earphones (Painfully awkward).
  • someone waves at you and you wave back and then realise that the person was waving to someone behind you (Mega awkward).
  • you are on the train and laugh out loud at something you are reading and everyone looks at you.
  • Or when you recall something funny and start laughing out of nowhere and everyone looks at you weirdly.
  • Or when you you talk to yourself forgetting it is a weird concept to some people.
  • you offer your seat on the tram/train to an old lady and she rebukes you for insinuating the fact she is old. And this is a white lady. Not even desi aunty. Gurrl, if you wanna look young, at least dye your hair.
  • someone says no offense and then proceeds to say the most offensive thing ever. And you have to pretend you didn’t get offended because after all they did warn you beforehand with the “no offense” (If you do that, kindly stop. You have got two ears and one tongue (a.k.a listen more, speak less. Also think before you speak. Also I shall punch you if you like being so brutally excruciatingly honest of your opinions. Not really but I do mentally fancy punching you.)
  • you are wearing heels and your feet goes woiiinngg in front of people.

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  • a white friend asks if you got a boyfriend yet or sells tickets to her club where she is the DJ. In your mum’s presence.
  • an aunty asks your mum whether she is looking for a guy for you in front of you and you don’t know where to look.
  • an aunty asks your mum for your photograph.
  • an aunty clicks a photo of you not so subtly.
  • an aunty wonders how she got so fat because she used to be so skinny when she was young while stuffing her mouth with food.
  • you attend a wedding in India and call this random dude in white suit as waiter bhaiyya,zara plate lete aana (Waiter!! Bring a plate) and it turns out he is the bride’s brother.
  • a little kid at a party insists on calling you aunty loudly all the time because you are hanging out with aunties.
  • Also when you call an aunty, “aunty” and she grimaces because she is a young 50 year old aunty who could totally pass off as your younger sister, and how could one be so blind to dare call her aunty? Appi/didi/baaji is the appropriate term of endearment.
  • When an uncle or aunty makes a mistake and the Gammar nazi/English tutor in you is itching to correct but it’s rude so you end up looking constipated.
  • someone gives an oxymoronic compliment such as “oh but you are pretty for an Indian” and you don’t know whether to be flattered at the insult or insulted by the compliment.
  • someone asks you stereotypical questions such as “How are you Indian and a Muslim? How are you Indian and fair? OMG you totally don’t have that Indian accent” and on and on “You don’t look like an Indian at alll. I thought you were from so and so country. So are you like full Indian or half? (I often wonder if there is a typical Indian look that they have in mind. I mean India is such a diverse country).
  • you attend a Pakistani party and all of them are bashing Indians verbally.
  • you attend a Pakistani party and they ask which part of Pakistan you are from and when you say Indian, they all go ” Ohhh I love Shah Rukh Khan and have you watched Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham?, I looove that movie” and start complimenting Mother India like they are Indians themselves. It is so delightfully awkward.No offense to my Pakistani friends and readers. I love y’all. Y’all are mad cute.
  • a random stranger suddenly starts speaking in Arabic and after you have checked whether they are indeed talking to you and are not on their headphones, you wait for them to complete their paragraph before apologizing on not understanding. Its awkward for you at first and then become awkward for the poor chap.
  • When you and your friends are discussing someone and you turn around and that person is seated on the table beside you. And you weren’t being too hushed in your discussion either. So now you awkwardly smile wondering if they heard you.
  • When you meet someone and they have something stuck on their tooth. Or booger on their nose.And you can’t look away even if you wanted to because they have some extremely exciting news to share.
  • you are stalking someone on social media and accidentally like their photo or status from 3 years ago (A friendly tip : Create a fake account for stalking so if you do like something, no harm done).
  • an aunty’s baby is crying so loud you want to scratch your hair out (hijab in my case) and the aunty suddenly turns and looks at you as if she has heard your thoughts and catches you making that not so subtle annoyed look.
  • you pull a push door or vice versa repeatedly and get frustrated when it doesn’t open and someone behind has to remind you “Umm, you are supposed to push/pull?”
  • you are at the elevator and right before the doors close, someone runs through it and you scream louuud and close your eyes because that person is going to get squashed.Not really.In my defence I had a nightmare of the sort.
  • you are so busy talking to your friend that you enter the mens bathroom but thankfully someone shouts from behind and then proceeds to laugh his head off.
  • you are blushing after an awkward moment and someone goes “Oohhh look you are turning red” (not helping mate) and then you turn even more red.

The first step to laughing at yourself is to make a post of the cringe-worthy moments you have encountered. And so, I invite you to let me know that I am not the only one. Tell me in the comments your funniest moments ever. Or make a post out of it if you have heaps like I do.

I shall be right there for you when you fall……….laughing so harrrddd

There are some friends with whom you instantly connect and share all your laughs and sorrows and life’s every moment and with whom you become really close with and later can’t seem to recall how you met and became friends in the first place. Then there are others who just land in your life at the right moment and right time and with whom you wouldn’t have thought of getting close to but you do and you actually do remember how you two met. Beatriz fell in the latter category. Fell being the imperative word as that is what my funny and georgeous friend seems to do : fall.

I met Beatriz as I was rushing to Nutrition Principals lecture. As I rushed to open the door, I noticed a girl beside me and gave her way to enter before me. She said thanks with a wide smile & enquired whether I was heading to Nutrition lecture as well. Upon getting a positive nod, her smile grew even wider and we started chatting away by asking about each other. Over the course of next weeks, we both came to know about each other’s families (she is Brazilian),likes and preferences. She is my only friend who has had the honour of getting to know about my blog. Beatriz is such a sweet soul that she not only reads it regularly and gives me feedback but has also told about my blog to her friends in Brazil. Readers from Brazil, thank you for your support.

Anyway today’s topic is falling. No, not the autumn fall but the physical act of smashing to the ground. Last week when I met up with Beatriz, she wasn’t able to speak. She was choking on her words and gasping for air. No, she wasn’t dying. She had fallen while climbing the stairs, and was laughing so hard tears were streaming down her face as she recounted to me her epic failure of the basic etiquette of the climb. And even though, I hadn’t had the chance to actually observe the glorious moment in action, Beatriz was laughing so hard and she drew such a great visualisation, that I was rolled up on the floor, doubling with laughter. We two were like a bunch of lunatics, laughing loud and hard and were drawing stares from everyone present in the library. It was later when we packed our bags and headed to our tutorial that Beatriz was kind enough to enact the whole fall in action as we climbed up the stairs.She had fallen just as Jennifer Lawrence had (gif down below) except Jennifer Lawrence fell in front of the whole world and Beatriz had fallen in front of her whole class. So engrossed was I in observing Beatriz that I didn’t realise and tripped over my own dress, in almost the exact same fashion as Beatriz had.The howls of laughter that erupted from both of us at my fall was too much to behold.

beatriz fall

I guess it was fall season all around the world. Sarah Hyland tripped while walking to the stage at the Teen Choice Awards.

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Oh and then last week, I was walking from university to station to catch the train. I was wearing my new ankle boots and was strutting my strut among the crowd of city people which included girls in business suits and pony tails and 6 inch heels. Mine wasn’t 6 inch. Probably 2 inch. So I wouldn’t trip right? 6 inch Elizabeth would right? Apparently some slippery pamphlety flyer was beneath me and my boots sorta slipped and gave way and my foot went above my knee and my head jerked back , wait I shall include a gif so you can feel like you were there when it happened.

trip

Yeah yeah laugh away!! I was so embarassed that I could feel my face getting red. I didn’t look anywhere, just straight ahead and resumed by my strut like the above cute penguin.(I hope I looked just as cute). Serious question : why do we find it funny when someone slips,trips,falls? Is it because of that sudden clumsy motion of a person’s hands flailing around,legs flying in different directions? That person could injure himself/herself, sometimes resulting in death OKAY?? DON’T LAUGH. That person has already damaged his self-esteem. No need to add insult to the injury.I can still hear your muffled laughter btw.

This post is dedicated to Beatriz. That exchange student from Brazil who made my Fridays less tiresome and more funnysome. You are a sweet and kind friend. Your fall inspired this post so thank you.

***Image and gifs via Google Image