Examining examinees

(Cough cough. Pardon the smoke)

I have been giving examinations my whole life. From the age of 4 to 22. So even though I don’t have a technical degree in Masters of Examination, I have in fact mastered the art of cramming and vomiting. Notes not chocolates.

Last Thursday I bid farewell and resigned from the position of student. I had my final exams and it went great alhumdulillah. Thanks to all who wished me good luck.

Now I have attended various examination halls throughout my prolific career. And I have observed various kinds of examinees.

1. Diva : This is the girl that prepared more for her appearance than the exam. She has the full makeup with fake eyelashes, knee length boots and a poncho. Her hair is straightened sleek and she looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine. When other students are busy poring into the textbook, she is running around the hall looking for the perfect lighting to capture that duckface selfie. She is busy rolling her eyes at students who are crazy for checking out their books than her. No point avoiding coz she is already avoiding you.
2. The anti-diva : This is the guy that probably hasn’t showered ever since the examination month has started. He looks homeless with clothes crumpled, few flies buzzing around his head, a scruffy beard with few lice running on it and a stench that kills everyone except the flies and the lice. He is the guy you go and stand next to if you haven’t prepared for the exam as it wouldn’t technically be a suicide on your part or murder on his. He hasn’t been studying either as he is seen running around people asking if they could lend him notes on Biochemistry. He probably spends time in his dungeon playing Halo or World of Warcraft and attends examinations to get some fresh air and sunlight. Avoid him and thou shalt live.
3. The nerd : This girl knows anything and everything and sole purpose of her life is to make sure you are sufficiently stocked up on stress by asking whether you have studied for Chapter 15 on Lipids and Fats that the lecturer had hinted wouldn’t be appearing in the exam but she has studied because the previous year papers had a full 15 mark question on it. So now you are stressed and ask her to give a quick summary. The summary turns into a novel and a nightmare and now you have forgotten the rest of the chapters. With a blank face and an equally blank mind, this chick is satisfied that her job here is done. AVOID AVOID AVOID
4. The examiner : This is the friend that you actively avoid after completing the exam because she is the second examination that you aren’t prepared for. Her questions don’t give you any bonus marks, only bonus anguish as she confirms whether her answers match yours.”Did you write glycophospholipids for question 5 because Caleb said he wrote cholesterol but in the textbook it says glycophospholipids and remember how Trevor was saying that he will ask a question on glycophospholipids and I checked and that was the only question that’s answers would be glycophospholipids?” Or “What did you answer for that question, false yeah? coz it couldn’t be true and I did the practice exam and it said false so like 2 marks there yeaaah high five!!” You give the high five and a fake laugh and nod your head to agree like pfft yeaah totally while internally screaming and stabbing daggers because you had actually ticked true. She revises the whole exam paper and you feel your confidence dwindling to such a low that you are sure you have failed that paper. Avoid at all costs.
5. The excited bloke : He is the guy who is chuffed on completing his paper. It doesn’t matter whether he was snoring the whole time and didn’t actually write a single word. He attended, slept on the exam and has finished just like the others. He is generous with bear hugs and handshakes and high fives and woohoooos that it becomes a nightmare for hijabis to not reciprocate the happiness. You seem like a party pooper for not hugging around and celebrating. Fellow Muslim sisters, avoid this one. The rest, go give him a bear hug. He showers so don’t worry, no stench fumes.

6. The toilet camper : This is the guy that is a restless nervous ball of wreck. He has to rush to the toilet every 10 seconds and its not a silent rush either. Full throttle running up and down banging tables along the way announcing his entries and exits each time.One can never get used to it because as soon as you have adjusted your table, the tornado strikes again. Can’t avoid even if you wished.

7. The one more sheet/the hand shooter : This is the guy/girl that asks for an extra sheet as soon as the paper has started. You have just finished your silent prayers asking Allah to make the questions easy and flip the paper over to skim through the questions and this person already has his hand shot up, greedy eyes demanding extra sheets to gobble up. Can’t avoid, can’t ignore.

8. The silent ninja : This is a person that is actually quite hard to spot. He or she is seen outside exam halls revising by themselves silently, finishing up their exam papers in a calm and collected way and heading out with no emotions whatsoever. And when the results are released, their names are at the top of the list and everyone wonders who the hell were these inconspicuous ninja nerds? Didn’t notice, no avoidance.

9. The last minute-er : This is the person who literally does nothing in the exam. Sometimes he sleeps like the excited bloke but more often than not, he is just sitting there observing other students, creeping at a girl from behind or just looking at the clock the way a prisoner stares at walls. He hasn’t even touched the paper and he doesn’t seem too bothered. He is awaiting for the announcement of “15 minutes left”. That’s when his comatose brain comes to life. Now he starts attempting the questions in a frenzy. And when the examiner comes to take his sheet, he transforms into a wrestler and doesn’t love his beloved go. I guess he was playing hard to get. Don’t avoid, watch him struggle.

10. The cool girl : Ahem me? Oh why thanks. I don’t like to talk about myself really. Awww you insist? Alright, if you say so. I am a cut above all the rest. I shall be outside the exam halls pacifying people who think they will fail insisting they will pass. While in the exam hall, I shall be as light as a feather and as quite as a mouse. No, I am not the silent ninja. I am better. Once the exams are done, I shall be back to counseller mode pacifying friends that we either aced it or failed it and treat them to ice creams and cupcakes. Don’t avoid. Come join.

To all those appearing for exams, Good Luck. I am the last polar bear at the moment. Shall be hibernating for dayyyzz.