Talk about awkward..

Have you ever experienced moments when you wish the earth would open up and swallow you whole? I wish that everyday because something embarrassing always happens to me. They call me Awkward Aaliyah. I am learning how to laugh at myself now. It’s a slow and hard process and I am hoping I am able to learn quickly before the Earth literally opens up and swallows me (that is,when I die and go to my grave). Sit back,relax and no, don’t drink your tea coz you might end up snorting it through your nose. List is long.You have been warned.

The awkward moment when :

• you smile at a fellow hijabi and she doesn’t return the smile. In fact she looks at you with a deathly stare. Like why you do this to me? We are on the same team man.
• you see a friend from afar and shout her name and wave excitedly while running up to her only to realise she is not your friend and then walk awkwardly back to your spot (that walk of shame).
• you are at a party and an aunty enters so you get up and extend your hand and she walks past you leaving you hanging and then you have to bring back your hand to the side with everyone witnessing that fail moment.
• you do a hi five with a friend and they leave you hanging.
• you are at a party and while meeting someone you never know whether to stop after two head shakes or three.

• Or when you both turn your head at the same moment and in the same direction and end up face to face real close.
• you are avoiding someone so you whip out your phone and pretend to text while walking past that person and bump into a pole, attracting the attention of the avoidee.
• you are drinking fruit juice during a lecture and at the exact same moment that the lecturer goes quiet you make a slurpy noise. Loud. Everyone stares at you.
• you ask the lady at the store whether a certain piece of clothing comes in your dress size aaaand you realize she does not work there and is a customer just like you.
• a random person says hi and you respond warmly only to realise they are talking to someone on their bluetooth or earphones (Painfully awkward).
• someone waves at you and you wave back and then realise that the person was waving to someone behind you (Mega awkward).
• you are on the train and laugh out loud at something you are reading and everyone looks at you.
• Or when you recall something funny and start laughing out of nowhere and everyone looks at you weirdly.
• Or when you you talk to yourself forgetting it is a weird concept to some people.
• you offer your seat on the tram/train to an old lady and she rebukes you for insinuating the fact she is old. And this is a white lady. Not even desi aunty. Gurrl, if you wanna look young, at least dye your hair.
• someone says no offense and then proceeds to say the most offensive thing ever. And you have to pretend you didn’t get offended because after all they did warn you beforehand with the “no offense” (If you do that, kindly stop. You have got two ears and one tongue (a.k.a listen more, speak less. Also think before you speak. Also I shall punch you if you like being so brutally excruciatingly honest of your opinions. Not really but I do mentally fancy punching you.)
• you are wearing heels and your feet goes woiiinngg in front of people.

• a white friend asks if you got a boyfriend yet or sells tickets to her club where she is the DJ. In your mum’s presence.
• an aunty asks your mum whether she is looking for a guy for you in front of you and you don’t know where to look.
• an aunty asks your mum for your photograph.
• an aunty clicks a photo of you not so subtly.
• an aunty wonders how she got so fat because she used to be so skinny when she was young while stuffing her mouth with food.
• you attend a wedding in India and call this random dude in white suit as waiter bhaiyya,zara plate lete aana (Waiter!! Bring a plate) and it turns out he is the bride’s brother.
• a little kid at a party insists on calling you aunty loudly all the time because you are hanging out with aunties.
• Also when you call an aunty, “aunty” and she grimaces because she is a young 50 year old aunty who could totally pass off as your younger sister, and how could one be so blind to dare call her aunty? Appi/didi/baaji is the appropriate term of endearment.
• When an uncle or aunty makes a mistake and the Gammar nazi/English tutor in you is itching to correct but it’s rude so you end up looking constipated.
• someone gives an oxymoronic compliment such as “oh but you are pretty for an Indian” and you don’t know whether to be flattered at the insult or insulted by the compliment.
• someone asks you stereotypical questions such as “How are you Indian and a Muslim? How are you Indian and fair? OMG you totally don’t have that Indian accent” and on and on “You don’t look like an Indian at alll. I thought you were from so and so country. So are you like full Indian or half? (I often wonder if there is a typical Indian look that they have in mind. I mean India is such a diverse country).
• you attend a Pakistani party and all of them are bashing Indians verbally.
• you attend a Pakistani party and they ask which part of Pakistan you are from and when you say Indian, they all go ” Ohhh I love Shah Rukh Khan and have you watched Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham?, I looove that movie” and start complimenting Mother India like they are Indians themselves. It is so delightfully awkward.No offense to my Pakistani friends and readers. I love y’all. Y’all are mad cute.
• a random stranger suddenly starts speaking in Arabic and after you have checked whether they are indeed talking to you and are not on their headphones, you wait for them to complete their paragraph before apologizing on not understanding. Its awkward for you at first and then become awkward for the poor chap.
• When you and your friends are discussing someone and you turn around and that person is seated on the table beside you. And you weren’t being too hushed in your discussion either. So now you awkwardly smile wondering if they heard you.
• When you meet someone and they have something stuck on their tooth. Or booger on their nose.And you can’t look away even if you wanted to because they have some extremely exciting news to share.
• you are stalking someone on social media and accidentally like their photo or status from 3 years ago (A friendly tip : Create a fake account for stalking so if you do like something, no harm done).
• an aunty’s baby is crying so loud you want to scratch your hair out (hijab in my case) and the aunty suddenly turns and looks at you as if she has heard your thoughts and catches you making that not so subtle annoyed look.
• you pull a push door or vice versa repeatedly and get frustrated when it doesn’t open and someone behind has to remind you “Umm, you are supposed to push/pull?”
• you are at the elevator and right before the doors close, someone runs through it and you scream louuud and close your eyes because that person is going to get squashed.Not really.In my defence I had a nightmare of the sort.
• you are so busy talking to your friend that you enter the mens bathroom but thankfully someone shouts from behind and then proceeds to laugh his head off.
• you are blushing after an awkward moment and someone goes “Oohhh look you are turning red” (not helping mate) and then you turn even more red.

The first step to laughing at yourself is to make a post of the cringe-worthy moments you have encountered. And so, I invite you to let me know that I am not the only one. Tell me in the comments your funniest moments ever. Or make a post out of it if you have heaps like I do.